In a Funk

I haven’t written a blog since December. Once the holidays are over I get in a funk. I stay inside my house hibernating from the rest of the world. Nothing I’ve written seems worth posting. I’ve even begun to wonder why I started a blog in the first place. Everyone said a writer needs to have a blog. But why? I don’t like the idea of promoting myself.

Well, anyway, I’m going to try to get back into the practice.

 I finished my novel Daughter of the Bride and sent it off to my thesis mentor Ann Wertz Garvin and second reader Jacquelyn Mitchard. I’m anxious to hear back from them. I graduate from Southern New Hampshire University with an MFA in Creative Writing in June. Already made hotel and flight reservations to New Hampshire. My family is coming with me and we’re going to vacation in Portsmouth while we’re there. I’m excited but also apprehensive. I’ll miss the peer workshops and deadlines.

I’ve started on a sequel to Daughter of the Bride but have only ten pages. I guess it’s normal to feel drained of creativity after finishing one major project. I just hope it doesn’t last too long. I rework old short stories but have no new ideas. Just curious as to how many other writers go through this funk and what they do about it.

If anybody’s out there who has any advice, please leave a comment.

7 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts

Santa in My Heart

I always was a believer in miracles.  If I concentrated or prayed on something long enough, hard enough, everything always worked out.  Santa Claus was a miracle to me; I believed in him with all my heart.

I felt him in my heart when my friend Linda and I would walk hand-in-hand on cold winter nights, gazing at bright stars, singing Christmas carols as the smell of evergreens and apple cider wafted through the music-filled air.  I could almost taste his spirit when I sipped on hot cocoa and ate brownies from the neighbors down the street when they offered these treats as gratuity for our carols.

I had heard rumors before that Santa wasn’t real, but I refused to listen to such sacrilegious nonsense.  He was real!  My parents had said so.  My older sister and brother had said so.  Santa brought me gifts every Christmas.  I wrote him long lists of all the toys I wanted and he seldom disappointed me.  He even drank the milk and ate the chocolate chip cookies I set out for him.

Why, I also heard his booming laughter and the jingling of his reindeer’s bells and the patter of their hooves on the roof as they flew off into the midnight sky.  No one could ever convince me that Santa wasn’t real.

My conviction held true all the way to third grade (though my mother and sister would love to think I was naïve enough to believe until sixth grade).  Then one day David, the class clown who enjoyed using the teacher’s stapler whenever she left the room to entertain the class by stapling the warts on his hands, made an announcement.  He was going to help his parents play Santa that Christmas.

I had to stop working on my vocabulary words to find out what his remark meant.  “What do you mean ‘play Santa’?”

“Just what I said, stupid.”  David had never been particularly nice to me.

“But you can’t do that.  Santa might get upset.”

Half the class broke into a fit of laughter.  “You mean, you still believe?”

Of course, I still believed.  I couldn’t do otherwise.  So David and I began a long argument that continued out on to the play ground.

“I bet if you asked your parents, you’d know Santa wasn’t real,” he said as he picked at his warts.

“I bet you ten dollars you’re wrong.”  There was no way a gross, mean little boy like David could know what he was talking about.

“Okay.  It’s a bet.”  He offered his hand, but when I didn’t take it he yelled, “You’re so stupid.”  He ran off to irritate some other girl.

We would have shaken on the bet but I didn’t want to touch his warts.  I just knew David was wrong.  There was no way Santa could not be real.

I went home that day and walked straight back to where my mother was playing Christmas music on her organ (no, they weren’t called keyboards back then).

“Mom, tell me the truth.  Is Santa real or are you and Dad really Santa?”

My mother looked at me with sad blue eyes and hesitated.   “Why do you want to know?”

I hadn’t expected that response, so I admitted, “I bet David ten dollars Santa’s real.”

My mother looked like she was going to laugh.  “Well, since you’re old enough to bet, I guess you’re old enough for the truth.  Your father and I are Santa.”

I burst into tears.  She took me in her arms and hugged me until I stopped crying.  I guess I got over the shock quickly because I don’t remember the news having spoiled any future Christmases.  To this day, Christmas is my favorite holiday filled with love and family traditions.

The memories I’ll cherish forever: like the joy I saw in my oldest daughter’s eyes when she was small and awoke one Christmas morning to find the Snuggles bear in bed with her along with a note from Santa or when my youngest daughter discovered with delight a trail of Santa’s sooty footprints throughout the house.  Santa was as real to them as he was to me.  He brought us all such simple happiness.

I never did pay David his ten dollars.  As far as I was concerned Santa was still real.  And to this day he is still real to me, at least in spirit; his spirit is alive and well in my heart.

 

14 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts

Ghost Stories: Part II

The house I live in now with my husband Dean and have lived in for the past 22 years has had its share of paranormal activities.  Our house was a Fannie Mae repo whose previous owner had died in a motorcycle accident.  His poor wife and children moved away as the bank foreclosed on the house.  The property sat vacant and vandalized for three years before Fannie Mae did a half-ass job of remodeling it.  It was a good deal, a fixer-upper, so we bought it.

Shortly after we moved in, I woke in the middle of the night and, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I glanced at my husband’s open closet.  A man’s bearded face floated above.  He looked at me and vanished.  I tried to brush the apparition off as my imagination.

Two years later, my youngest daughter Morgan was born.  As I sat in a rocker in her nursery in the wee hours of the night, breast-feeding her, I began feeling edgy in the dim glow of the night light, especially when she would stop nursing and turn her head toward her closet.  She would smile as if she saw an angel and then return to her midnight meal.  I was nervous, but rationalized she was having a bout of gas.  I reassured myself that if she was seeing a ghost, it had to be a friendly one like Casper or she wouldn’t have smiled.

Once she was old enough to stand in her crib and utter a few words, Morgan would awaken in the mornings and sing out for someone to come and get her.  She would list every name she knew until her father, sister, one of her grandmothers, or I appeared at her door.  One morning she pointed at her window and said, “Boos.  The boos.”

We questioned her, lifted her out of her crib and opened the blinds.  She pointed at the clear, blue sky and said, “Boos.”  A year later she scribbled a picture of a “boo.” It looked like one of those fuzzy balls with googly eyes attached to feet-shaped stickers that were once the rage; they were cute and kids stuck them on everything (I recently found out they’re called “warm fuzzies”).   Morgan’s drawings weren’t cute little fuzz balls; they depicted little fellows with mean eyes and jagged mouths.

Around this time, in the middle of the night, my husband and I woke to screaming.  Groggy, I ran to Morgan’s room across the hall.  She was asleep in her crib.  Another terror-filled scream rang through the house, but further down, past the den.  We ran to the opposite end of the house where our teenager Miranda slept in the so-called “Mother-in-law” room off the kitchen.  She was sobbing and hiding her face under the covers when we reached her and switched on the lights.  An orb-like mist had risen by her bed, taking human form as it rose like a cloud of smoke.  We tried to reassure her it was just a lucid nightmare, but she swore it wasn’t.

Sometime before or after this (it’s been so long ago, I can’t remember) my stepson Elliot came to visit and slept in that room.  The next morning he said he hadn’t had much sleep because something kept tugging at his blankets.  He thought he was dreaming and kept pulling the covers up when something would pull them off.  He did this for some time before whatever it was became tired of its game and yanked the sheets clean off the bed.  After that, Elliot remained awake, paralyzed by fear.  Needless to say, no one wanted to sleep in that room anymore.

My mother, who has had her fair share of bizarre experiences in the past with Ouija Boards and automatic writing, also experienced something weird in our house.  She and my father were visiting and she went to Morgan’s bedroom to check on her grandbaby.  When she came back to the den where my husband, father, and I were watching college football, she asked, “Who was that in the bathroom?”

We begrudgingly took our eyes off the TV and looked at her.  “What are you talking about?”

“I thought it was Dean or Wayne, but they’re in here.  There’s a man in your middle bathroom.”

Dean and I jumped up and ran to the bathroom across from Morgan’s room.  The door was wide open and no one was there.

“I swear a man was standing in there.  I thought it was Dean or your dad.”  My mother was clearly shaken now.  “I’m not making this up.”

We believed her.  I thought it was the past owner who had died.  Perhaps he was looking for his family.  He probably wondered what in the hell were we doing in his house.

I belonged to a meditation group at the time and told some of the members about the happenings in my house.  We spoke of ways to cleanse the house from unwanted energy and ghosts.  I had no idea there were so many rituals of exorcism.  I tried several.  I lit candles in front of all the mirrors because someone said spirits were attracted to light.  If the light drew them in, they would notice that their images did not appear in the mirror, which is supposed to help them realize they are no longer living, that it’s time to move on to the next level of consciousness.  I wasn’t sure about this method, so I settled on the Native American smudging with sage smoke.  Through this ritual, I walked through the house, holding a burning bundle of sage on a clam shell, praying, “God, cleanse and protect this house.”  And speaking to the spirits:  “You are not welcome here. Leave and never return.”

It seemed to work because nothing weird has ever happened again and our house feels homey, safe, and comfortable.  But I wonder if ghosts follow people or if my family and I are just cursed or more aware because later my parents bought a lake house in Brownwood, Texas.

This small house was built by a World War II veteran.  His buddy built the house next door where the two men shared a lot.  Mom always felt uncomfortable there and wanted to sell it.  My sister and I made a deal with her and took over the place.  For awhile there was a strange aura about the place, draining energy out of anyone staying there.  One night, my sister reported her window blinds flapping violently, but the window wasn’t open.  Then another time while I stayed there alone, I had a lucid dream.  A hand started caressing my face and then my breasts.  It wasn’t unpleasant, but I couldn’t make myself wake up.  The next thing I knew someone was kissing me.  I fell under its spell and returned the tender kisses.  When I touched the person’s face, I felt a man’s unshaven stubble on his cheek.  I kept murmuring, “Who are you?”  When I wrapped my arms around him and touched his head, I felt something like hair, except it was bristly like a steel wool pad.  I opened my eyes and saw a man wearing goggles, his eyes clear through the glass, and on his head looked like an army helmet with leafy camouflage.  This time I screamed, “Who are you?”  He vanished and I was wide awake.  This encounter frightened me more than all the others because I was no longer a child and it was so damned vivid.  I will never forget those eyes.  I think the man may have been the World War II veteran who died many years ago.

You’d think I’d be scared to go back in that house, but I, along with my sister and daughters, smudged the place while also using a crystal singing bowl to change the house’s vibrations.  I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy or weird, but the smudging seemed to work.  I am no longer afraid of being alone in the house.

All these stories are true.  Ask my family.  Believe them or not.  I was there.  I believe earth is a place of limbo; people who die suddenly may not know they are dead and are walking around this planet in another dimension.  It’s up to those of us who see them to help them cross over, to move on, in any way we know how.  Am I afraid of ghosts?  A little, especially if I’m alone.  Would I like to see some more again?  Yes, but not in my house.  I’d like to encounter them elsewhere and not have them follow me home.

If you have any interesting ghost stories, feel free to share.  I’m not the only one who enjoys a good ghost story or two.  I believe in ghosts.  Do you?

 

13 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts

Ghost Stories: Part I

I haven’t posted a blog in over a month.  I’ve been busy working on the ending of my novel.  Why are endings so difficult?  I’ve also been researching and writing my critical essay on Pat Conroy.  Both are due in November.  I can’t believe I have one more semester to go before I graduate with a MFA in Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University!  Since Halloween is just around the corner I thought now would be a good time to share some ghost stories.  Because I have several, I will post them separately.

After listening to ghost stores at Caswell Cemetery on Star Island this past June and not having the guts or the time to tell, I thought I’d share them now.  I’m a better writer than a public speaker, if that’s saying much.  I have a few stories that are true, though some skeptics might not believe.  So be it; that’s their problem, not mine.

My first experience with a ghost occurred when I was in elementary school.  I shared a room with my big sister Dee Dee.  We were chatting late one evening in the darkness, each of us in our own twin beds.  With her knees bent and feet planted on the mattress, out of nowhere, she screamed and scrambled out of bed, running to the light switch and flipping it on.  I sat up, clutching my sheets to my chest, “What?” I asked, too startled to say any more.

“Something with four legs just jumped on my bed and crawled between my legs,” she said as she tried to catch her breath.

I don’t remember how the rest of that night went, but after that I had similar experiences.   I would often awake to the feeling of something jumping up on my bed.  Once, while my arm was dangling off the side, something scratched my hand.  The fear lessened after talking with my mother about the strange happenings.

She had recently buried her old dog Prissy, some type of long-haired terrier, in the back yard.  We had no other pets at the time.  Mom admitted having similar encounters, and afterwards, my big brother did too.  Everyone in the family felt Prissy’s presence jump on their beds, everyone, that is, but my dad.  He was the skeptic, thinking we were all going crazy.   We moved not long after that and we heard from neighbors that the family we sold the house to had not lived there long before they moved out.  Prissy must have chased them away.

I also remember two occasions where I heard something that gave me the creeps.  The first time I heard it I was living in the same house on Apperson where our dog haunted the place.  It was a late summer night and my bedroom window was open.  I woke to a crashing sound of lawn chairs being knocked over on the front porch.  Following the crash, there was a noise that sounded like someone taking heavy steps and dragging a wounded leg (or maybe even a body).  I heard the same thing again, months later, while spending the night, in a sleeping bag on the floor next to my cousin’s tall brass bed in El Paso.  I could see under the bed which made me a bit nervous, but thankfully I didn’t see any dead bodies.  It took me awhile to fall asleep, but when I finally did I was awakened by their old grandfather clock.  I don’t remember if it struck midnight or what, but it was late and everyone in the household was fast asleep.  The sound of the wounded leg (the only name I could think of to call it) started making its way down the long dark hallway, heading in my direction.  I held my breath as I listened, staring at the darkened open door.  It reached the doorway and stopped.  There was nothing there as far as I could see.  I told my family and cousins, but everyone said I had an active imagination.  Thankfully, I haven’t heard it since.

(Stay tuned for more ghost stories.)

5 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts

Star Island Summer Camp

“Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we are here we might as well dance.”

–Anonymous

As I was growing up in the dry heat of West Texas I never went to summer camp; my parents couldn’t afford it.  While I remained at home, swimming in an above ground plastic swimming pool and blasting neighbors with water balloons, I heard of other kids packing large trunks in preparation of spending the entire summer off on one big adventure after another: archery, canoeing, macramé.  What an ideal way to get rid of your kids for a while!  So when many Southern New Hampshire University MFA students said Star Island was like camp, I had an opportunity to discover what I had missed as a child.

People stand on the pier greeting the new arrivals with the chant, “Oceanic, Oceanic, rah, rah, rah.  You will come back, you will come back.”  A bit corny, right?  But as I gazed on the wrinkled faces of the senior citizens I glimpsed a glow of time remembered.  They were reliving their childhood and, for a moment, it made them happy.  They were able to forget the morning face in the mirror awakening them with a start.  On the island their achy joints and sadness of a lost era were put on the back shelf of their vast memory.

Clichés come to mind: “youth is wasted on the young” and “you never know what you got until it’s gone.”  They’re clichés because they are so true.  The Pelicans, the young hired help on the island, were a constant reminder of what was lost and could never be found again.  They were the ghosts of Christmases past haunting the halls of the clapboard white buildings of the Oceanic Hotel.  They were as threatening as the sea gulls protecting their nests.  I began to comprehend why some of the elder islanders were so crotchety.  They rode emotional foamy waves on the glittering Atlantic, knowing their surface beauty had set sail off the face of the earth.  They felt cheated, robbed, and bitter.  They deserved more respect, more reverence, or they were invisible, ignored, forgotten.  They might as well be dead, merely echoing footsteps on the narrow wooden planked floors.

Sandwiched between these two generations, as I am with my parents and my children, I found myself scrutinizing my middle-aged body, forgetting its strength and the miracles it has performed by giving birth to two beautiful girls who are now beautiful, wise women.  Gazing on the smooth sculpted skin of youngsters, I wished I had spent more time relishing my own sleek body while I still had it all.  I felt sadly determined.  Though I wasted my youth, I won’t waste the time I have left on this planet.  I made plans to shed twenty pounds and considered plastic surgery.

Okay, I know it shouldn’t be all about physical attractiveness, but more intellectual growth and wisdom.  I want to grow old gracefully, filled with love and compassion, not nagging and complaining about the rambunctious noise-makers all full of life.  But I feel left behind after sixteen years of teaching kindergarteners and second graders, followed by ESL young adults.  I gave up writing and read only children’s books.  I raised a family during that time; that’s something to be proud of.  I can’t help the hormones, or lack of, that twist my soul inside out.  I miss those long-forgotten years and fear what’s ahead.  What’s a girl supposed to do?  Ride the waves of life and thank my lucky stars I’ve made it this far.  I am blessed and need to remember that.  So among the many lessons I learned at summer camp on Star Island is I can catch up by devoting the last half of my life to reading and writing.  Forget about plastic surgery.

3 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts, Travel

The Art of Alice Munro’s Fiction

The novel Lives of Girls and Women, though considered more of a series of connected short stories by many, is loosely based on the author Alice Munro’s childhood and adolescence, and chronicles the early life of Del Jordan, the narrator whose first name doesn’t appear until page 49 in chapter two.  Each self-contained chapter reveals a year in the life of this amazingly bright young girl and the eccentric people who inhabit her small town world.  Munro’s writing is full of intricate descriptions of landscapes and people, wonderful and witty one-liners, and complex sentences that reveal the mood of the characters surrounding Del’s ordinary, yet interesting life.

I enjoyed the book so much I found it difficult to narrow down the great quotable material that exists throughout.  Starting with chapter one, “The Flat Roads,” Munro opens with wonderful descriptions of the countryside outside the town of Jubilee, of Uncle Benny, the first of many interesting characters, and gives one of her many clever one-liners.   The first one appears on page one about Uncle Benny.  “He was not our uncle, or anybody’s.”  It made me want to read further to find out who this man was and how he was related to the narrator.  He turns out to be a neighbor who marries a young crazy woman after answering a classified advertisement in the newspaper (Hum, sounds vaguely familiar, like something I’m currently working on).  Then Del shares her opinion of her Uncle Craig, who really is her uncle.  She doesn’t really care what he thinks of her because his “Masculine self-centeredness made him restful to be with” (35).

In chapter four “Age of Faith,” a powerful part of Del’s journey toward womanhood, includes her curiosity about spirituality and religion, a common pursuit for many as they mature.  Or at least, it was for me and my daughters.  After my parents became disillusioned with their church, I started attending church with various friends and explored the many options before deciding I was more spiritual than religious.  I related to the narrator when she said, “I realized that I did not care a great deal . . . about Christ dying for our sins.  I only wanted God.  But if Christ dying for our sins was the avenue to God, I would work on it” (119).  My daughters, too, went through a similar phase, attending church with their friends, searching for answers to such questions Del asked, like “If He made everything the way He wanted it then nothing was to blame for being the way it was, and this more or less threw out, didn’t it, the whole idea of sin?”(121).   My eldest was even talked into being baptized, though later she said she didn’t really understand why.   Del, strong character that she is, wasn’t one to be talked into being baptized or doing anything she didn’t want or understand.  Here’s another great one-liner that came from this chapter: “Seeing somebody have faith, close up, is no easier than seeing someone chop a finger off” (128).

Not only does Munro write great one-liners, but also sentences that contain life’s ambiguities by presenting contradictory statements such as how Del felt as she read magazines similar to today’s “National Enquirer.”  “I was bloated and giddy with revelations of evil, of its versatility and grand invention and horrific playfulness” (8).  And another example is the description of her mother and aunts.  Their differences are highlighted with poetic precision.  “My mother’s disapproval was open and unmistakable, like heavy weather; theirs came like tiny razor cuts, bewilderingly, in the middle of kindness.  They had the Irish gift for rampaging mockery, embroidered with deference” (43).  When her aunts give her Uncle Craig’s manuscripts about the history of Wawanash County (spell-check thought the word “Wawanash” should be “womanish” which I thought funny and appropriate) and their family genealogy, Del feels “remorse, that kind of tender remorse which has on its side a brutal, unblemished satisfaction” (71).

There are great descriptions of the inner-workings of women in this story, especially of her mother. “Sometimes my mother would assemble everybody to look at the sunset, just as if it was something she had arranged to put on” (27).  Her mother’s relationship with her sister-in-laws, Del’s aunts, is even more interesting.  “My mother went along straight lines.  Aunt Elsperth and Auntie Grace wove in and out around her, retreating and disappearing and coming back, slippery and soft-voice and indestructible.  She pushed them out of her way as if they were cobwebs . . .” (42-43).  Chapter three “Princess Ida” is devoted entirely to Del’s mother, who is based on Munro’s mother because she is her “central material in life, and it always comes the most readily” to her (Paris Review, 6).

After reading Lives of Girls and Women, I found myself liking its author Alice Munro, and while reading an interview in the Paris Review, I felt a connection with the writer.  Three words that come to mind when thinking of her are humble, refreshing, and reassuring.  Her interviewers stated that even with her “considerable accomplishments, Munro still speaks of writing with some of the reverence and insecurity one hears in the voices of beginners” (1).  Munro admits to being “the opposite of a writer with a quick gift” though you would never know it by reading her material.  Her process of writing takes time as does mine.  I understand exactly how she feels, and was reassured knowing I’m not alone, when she says she might think she’s done well one day, and then feel depressed and “on edge” the next because she thinks her writing isn’t going well and she’s not sure if she has it in her to complete her work (7-8).  She steers “clear of the literary world” because, as she puts it, she “grew up on a margin,” “out of any mainstream” and she “knew there was something about the great writers” she “felt shut out from” (17-18).  Because she has lived an ordinary domesticated life as a housewife and mother, she was intimidated by literary writers “who understood a lot more . . . about what they were doing.  And talked a lot about it.  And were confident in a way that would be acknowledged to have a more solid basis than” hers, because her “writing wasn’t fancy” (18).  As I’m reading her interview, I’m saying, “Yes, yes, yes, I can relate.” (Even her writing schedule is the same as mine!)  I know exactly what she means, and I would have never thought her this way by reading her novel.  Her lack of confidence ironically gives me more confidence.  If she can do it, maybe I can, too.  And though I may never write as well or accomplish as much as Munro, I certainly plan on reading more of her work.

Works Cited

Leave a Comment

Filed under Random Thoughts

Pictures of Star Island and SNHU

Some of the sights you’ll see on Star Island.

This boat is trapping our lobster dinner.

The Art Barn is an excellent place for a Peer Workshop.

Yes, there’s an old cemetery on the island. Star Island is supposedly haunted.

An old church

More views along the way to Star Island

The MFA in Creative Writing program at Southern New Hampshire University meets in the Robert Frost Hall for a few days before the residency travels on to Star Island.

The view while walking from my dorm to Robert Frost Hall.

Another view while walking on the SNHU campus

10 Comments

Filed under Photos, Travel